so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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