you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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