for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
