All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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