allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
