just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
