mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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