I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
we're so committed to being not committed
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize