woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
