ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
