i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
