just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
