Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I enjoy the company of your penis
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