Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
