did you get engaged???
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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