life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize