don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
