we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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