if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
