i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
