God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I met the friendliest cop last night
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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