defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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