Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
