My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
