i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My apartment stinks of burning failure
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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