he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The ass gains better be worth it
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