i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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