I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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