I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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