Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
