There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
