My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
