I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
