I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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