Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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