Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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