nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
