She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
