Nicole vs. Life
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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