So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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