I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
