Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
