just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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