Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
