Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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