I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
