Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
