I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
