For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
