I'm so fucking centered right now
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
