I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
