A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What a fucking waste of an outfit
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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