you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
