She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
