if only i could text you this smell
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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