Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
